Breaking The Numbness
by Sparoe
Summary: My world is crumbling around me. There is nothing left for me to hold on to. I might as well let go of this tattered string, for my life holds no purpose now. Otacon's feelings as his life begins to fall apart from under him and he is left behind.
1. Easier To Run

Sometimes, I think it would be easier to run. Runaway from this hell that my life as become. There are some days, as I watch David slowly deteriorate, I wish that he would just die. I am a selfish person. No matter what anyone thinks of me and how high they rate me, I am secretly selfish. I take what I want out of life and then when I am left with all the pieces that have been ruined by actions, I go to fix them. I care because I am loosing something close to me that I need and the selfish cycles goes onward. I become selfish for the things that my selfishness are pushing away. Like my father. I gave in to my needs and used his wife. No matter what I tell anyone, I secretly liked it. But when he found out, I had to figure someway out. So I blamed it on her. She was suppose to be the one that he gave up, but instead he gave up on me and himself. My selfishness cost me his life, but still, after he knew, I still went back to Julie. I knew in my heart and soul that it was wrong, but I needed it so bad that I let go of all that I knew of right and wrong and went with instinct. What does that make me? A monster. Maybe. I might as well be with all the things that I have done over the course of my life. I almost was responsible for millions of people dieing. That is some sticky blood that would not be washed clean so easily. It was stain my hands a deep crimson. A reminder of everything that my life was suppose to stand for, yet failed.

I cling. I am afraid to lose everything around me and to be left on my own again like after the night that my father killed himself, but yet I fear the guilt that can go along with my actions. I can't let go of the darkness in my past and these memories that come along with it. I wish I could suppress it all until I am unable to remember who I am. Until this pain is pushed aside and I have become numb. Until I no longer feel the sting of pain as David begins to yell at me and Sunny in a feverish rage until he lays on the floor barely breathing. At the point, I want to hit him. Make him feel the all the pain that begins to consume and claw at my mind in the night. But I don't. I stop my world to try and help his because I know that is what Sunny would want. The thing that Hal Emmerich would do. But I don't think I know that man anymore. He is long gone. The timid scientist is trapped away while this new colder man is taking on life. If I've become so cold, why do I still feel pain? The aching of my heart as I watch my little girl get screamed at and the pain snaps me out of my body as his hand hits me.

I wonder how far away I am from my breaking point. Until I can no longer take my life. I must be getting close now, with Sunny gone and all. I wish David was gone and she was in my arms. She is my sunshine, and David is the dark clouds that block her out. He is the reason she is and his anger that came with one of the late night fever sessions. All she wanted was to care for him and he smack her down like she was a rag doll. The teachers asked questions, came to interview me and David. He screwed up and smacked one of the people and cursed at them. The next day Sunny never came home. She's gone. My sunshine is gone because of the bastard. All the things I've done for him and he takes away the one thing in my life that I need. I secretly count the days until I am sure he will die. I don't want him here. He no longer wants to live and I held on. I think this time, he was right. Life would be better if he was gone, but my breathing almost stops at the very thought. I wish I could read my heart but I think it is to far gone.

I like to pretend that these wounds don't run so deep under my skin. I pretend that my life was no worse than the day before. That I am not in so much pain and walking on a thin sheet of ice that is threatening to crack. No. I can't. I can't let my guard down. Not until this is over and he is gone. But if he leaves, what do I have left? I don't have a daughter. I don't have parents. I don't have a step-sister. I don't have a lover. I don't have a friend. I have nothing. Nothing. It's such a hollow word. There is not one good thing that can be associated with that word. I just wish I didn't feel so misplaced. That I had someone to fall back on. But I don' is no one left that I truly care about. It is all over for me now. My time of finding that some one is long gone, and has been for quite a while. I think that I am destined to be all alone is this world.

Destined to fall into the black.

A distant thought on somebodies mind.  
That is, if I am worth to be on somebodies mind in the first place.

_Hello :)_

_Sorry if Otacon seems a little OOC but I was trying to capture the darker side of Hal that might come out if he was pushed to the edge._

_-thinks-_

_Oh! If you couldn't tell my the chapter title, this chapter was inspired by "Easier To Run" by Linkin Park which I think fits this Darker Otacon._

_I don't own MGS or Linkin Park_

_Drop a review please ^_^  
_


	2. Breaking The Numbness

Blood. Streaming down my arms, in snake like streams. The drip to the floor, pooling on the hard wood under my feet. But I don't care. I am numb. The only pain is the throbbing radiating off my wrists. Its a habit that I've taken to not too long ago, but it quickly grew into the normal part of my day. I could not live a day without taking my life out on my flesh and watch the blood dribble to the floor. I use to fear pain, but now, I fear not being able to feel anything, which I can't until I cut and cool blood replaces the tears that have long dried.

I should be on meds. But they are not worth anything. All they want to do is create a false happiness. To protect the world from people like me. People who are worthless. People who can't even keep a little girl happy and safe. I failed and she was striped out of my life. Where she went, I would never know. Even with you gone, she would never come back, not it the people could see this side of me. The side that is running the razer across the flesh until the bloods spills over. The side that you have created by what you have put Sunny through and what you have put me through. It should be better off this way, with you gone. I should be able to sleep through the nights, no longer having to worry about you and checking in on you when all seems to be too quiet. When you died, it should of opened up an new life for me and Sunny, but you're both gone, and I am standing back where I started, alone.

You would start off saying that there was always Mei Ling, but I have slowly become immune to her love and care that she auction off to me when ever she can. She use to leave messages on the machine. I always knew it was her, and hell, I never checked it once. I didn't want to hear her voice dripping in concern for minutes at a time, only being broken to the monotone man informing me when the call took place. There are times when the house is so quiet, all you can hear is the beeping of the answering machine, begging for me to listen to the love from the other line. The red numbers climbed, and I let them. I can't push myself to unplug it ether, because it contains the life that I use to live. The one where for a few short months, we were a family. Our voices contain the key to open the door of emotional pain. I would rather it stayed shut. Never to be open again. You know I'm no good at hiding my pain, but maybe I've taken too much that it no longer sinks in. The blade makes another mark further down my wrist and making the pool bigger. I can't take my eyes off blood, one of the life forces that keep our bodies moving and how easy it was to lose so much in such a little time. I laugh at myself, and the person I use to be. The kid who was afraid of life and all that it brought. I wonder where I would of ended if we had never met. Just another unimportant person living their day to day life, locked in a darkened room, just like I am now.

I guess I wasn't right, I'm not back where I started. I'm not afraid of life or death any more. It's there, hovering over my head like a heavy cloud, but I can care less if it clears up or rains. On second thought, screw that, let it rain. I think I would rather drown, maybe it would fill up the missing pieces of my heart that everyone takes like free candy.

What was it everyone always said when people thought of cutting? Across the street, not down the street?

There is no crossing this street. I can only go down from here.

I wonder if I will ever see you again, maybe, who knows where we go.

Till then I will sit until I become one with the darkness.

_I'm sorry if Otacon seem too OOC, I tried not to but I was also trying to write the dark side of Otacon that popped into my head._

_Anyways..this is my new writing style that I have been using lately, the whole writing in first person but referring to one person style. If you don't mind telling me what you think about it and if there is anything I can add to make the style/writing better. Anything is appreciated so I can write a better novel!!_

_thanks :)  
_


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